spoilers – A Geeky Gal

Hello readers and fellow bloggers!

I think it’s time I come clean with everyone, including myself. My mental health has not been in the best place for awhile now, but has been unbearable the last two weeks. I’ve been trying to push past it, and keep going, but I can’t anymore. You might think I’ve put too much on my plate with adding YouTube. And you might be right. Unfortunately, it’s not just the adding of YouTube into my work load…

I’ve been on a renewed health journey since late November. I hired a trainer to show me how to get myself into shape, lose those last few pounds, and get my nutrition under control. I see her twice a week, and honestly, those are my two favorite days of the week. I’ve been pushing myself to work out 5-6 days a week along with meal prepping on Sundays and Wednesdays. I’ve been keeping a detailed food log in an app as well as a notebook. I even started my own weight loss group on Facebook. I was/am doing everything I can to keep myself accountable and on track.

Is it working? I have no idea. Progress has been slow despite the several non-scale victories I have conquered. Like my new deadlift being 85 pounds (I’m super proud of that). Even with meal prep, I have slipped up many times. I feel defeated on those days, but still brush myself off and try to keep going. I’ve put a lot on my plate (no pun intended) to try my best to get healthy. I may have burned myself out trying to do so much at once.

I’m not sure how many of you know this, but I work full time as a modeler and designer. While I love my job, it comes with a bad case of burn out every now and then. It’s safe to say I’m definitely burnt out right now and need to take some necessary steps so that my job performance does not suffer. I still need to find some kind of balance here. It’s one of my biggest weaknesses if I’m being honest.

Married life is wonderful, and there’s not anything I would change besides more quality time with my husband (and maybe another vacation). We’re already working on that and are closer than ever. Without getting into too much detail, I’m also suffering the loss of a close friendship. The friendship turned out to be one sided, and this person still has no clue how much they have hurt me as they aren’t the kind of person who can take any kind of responsibility for themselves. I know attempting to talk to them about it would only end with me in more emotional pain. For now, I’m attempting to move on without causing a fuss even though it’s proving extremely difficult.

I also saw my mom in person recently after several months of just texts and phone calls. It filled me with sadness that we are so far away from my family. We’re extremely close, and 10 hours between us makes it difficult for visits. It’s been in many ways both a blessing and a curse to have moved to Missouri two and a half years ago. I have an amazing job that supports my family, I was able to cut toxic people from my life, and it enabled Alec and I to close the distance sooner than we had hoped. But I do miss my family more than anything.

All of my beloved hobbies have been suffering for the past year as well. I can’t remember the last time I actually wanted to play a video game. The first time I felt excited in over a year to sit down and play something was when I got into Spyro Reignited and when I streamed Rule of Rose. I have several games that I was initially excited for just collecting dust in my backlog. Reading has become a bit of a slog, too, when it used to make me so happy. I still have the second compilation of Fables to read, and I really enjoyed the first one very much. I keep asking myself, what’s the hold up?

I skipped a convention last weekend because of an anxiety attack I had that Wednesday. I felt terrible. I had already told friends I would be there, and I had even bought a replacement wig for my Asuna cosplay. Yet I couldn’t muster up the energy to go. I’ve got loads of YT video ideas, too, and still no energy to film and edit them. What once brought me immense joy, now feels overwhelming and stressful.

Which finally brings me to this: my blog. I love to write, but like the rest of my hobbies, my writing has hit a wall. I currently have 30 drafts of ideas and half finished pieces that I have no motivation to finish. My usual themed weekly posts have dissolved into weeks of low quality content with one or two large posts a month that I actually care about. It’s time for a change of pace and a rework of my schedule.

I’ll be taking the rest of May off from blogging to focus on my mental health. I’ll still be writing if I feel the urge, but nothing will be published on the site in the mean time. I will be uploading the rest of Rule of Rose, but then uploads will stop for YouTube as well for the rest of the month. I still have plans to film some videos I have in the works, but those will be published next month.

As for my social media, you can expect sporadic posts here or there, but nothing like the scheduled content you’re used to seeing. Feel free to reach out to me on there if you’d like. I would still like to keep in touch during this mental health break. You can find those links at the bottom of this post.

Thank you all for understanding. In order to be my best self, I have to take break. See y’all in June.