I’ve been pretty quiet about my weight-loss journey here on the blog. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve seen me cataloging meals and talking about my progress a little. I’ve kept my journey under wraps for a lot of reasons… One of them being how embarrassed I am to have let myself get so unhappy and unhealthy.

See, I’ve always been overweight and then in the last 2 years crept up to obese. I was picked on as a kid at school. Boys told me they didn’t like me because I was fat. I even had a family member in my life at the time severely damage my self confidence when I was 13. She wanted me to diet with her on a cottage cheese crash diet, and when I refused, she made fun of me and crushed what little self confidence I had. My self esteem took a beating from strangers and people I knew. I was not in a happy place.

One thing that did put me in my happy place was food. It was comforting to fill myself to the brim with my favorite things. It was nothing to buy a package of cookies and a big bag of chips and eat until it was all gone. I could watch television and stuff myself to forget about the crappy people around me and how it made me feel inside.

I was an emotional eater. Mad? Just eat 3 bowls of ice cream. Sad? Have a bag of chips. Stressed? Grab two burgers and a large fry and a milkshake on the way home. Anxious? Eat until you can’t feel it anymore.

I climbed off the roller coaster of emotional eating five years ago after I ended an abusive relationship and thought I had kicked the habit. I got down to my lowest weight of 155 pounds. I was eating healthier and had cut out junk food and eating out. I had gotten up to two hours of working out five days a week. I was doing well until the scale stopped moving.

I’m wiser now than I was a two years ago when I had gotten down to my lowest adult weight. I know now the scale stopped because I wasn’t counting calories. I wasn’t weighing my food. I would deprive myself of something for so long until I binged on it later. After binging, I’d workout to try to “make it up.” I stopped losing weight… and then I said fuck it.

I went back to old habits and in two years put back on the weight plus more. I was 184 pounds. On a 5′ 1.5″ frame, it was lot of weight. I was warned by the nurse practitioner that I’d be taken off my birth control if I didn’t get my weight down. I felt ashamed but couldn’t bear to look the truth in the face. I went to Ireland at my highest weight. I met my fiance’s family. I worried the entire time about what everyone thought of my weight.

I knew when the plane landed back in America that I had to change something. In April, I “officially” started my weight loss journey. I only told my fiance and my closest friends about what I was going to do. I kept only them updated on my progress. I let some of that progress filter through to Instagram. I didn’t want anyone else to know what I was up to because I didn’t want their judgement.

When I lost weight the first time, I struggled more. I was berated by people around me about how one doughnut wouldn’t hurt and going out to eat one night wouldn’t kill me. I was a “beautiful girl who had curves and didn’t need to lose weight; I would become a stick.” “Boys don’t like sticks (not true by the way),” but what no one could understand was that all I wanted was to like myself.

So I kept this journey to myself… until now.

As I’ve let myself trickle my weight loss into conversations, I’ve had to clear up a few things: No, I’m not losing weight for my wedding; I’m losing it for me. No, I’m not going to be “a stick”; I’m going to be a healthy weight for my age and height. No, I’m not going to deprive myself of pizza and beer with my buddies on a Friday night; I’m going to eat in moderation and enjoy food.

There’s also no secret to weight loss despite the magazines and internet articles. It’s all about CICO: Calories In/Calories Out. I would have been lost without a certain weight loss forum on reddit that educated me and led me to 1200 calories a day. 1200 calories is the LEAST amount of calories a short woman (who does NOT exercise) should be eating. I don’t exercise much. In fact, I’ve only been walking about 30 to 45 minutes per day.

Since April, I have surpassed my lowest weight. I am 154.8 pounds today. I have no plans of stopping until I hit a healthy weight for my body. For my height, the highest normal weight for me is about 130 pounds. Right now, 125 is the magical number I’ve chosen for myself, but I’m flexible. This number will not be the end all, be all for my happiness.

I not only am better health-wise, but I FEEL better. I like to get dressed up now, my clothes fit better, I like my body, and I just feel more like myself. My stress about my health and body has dwindled down. I still stress sometimes but not like I used to.

So I’m ripping off this band aid of my secret weight loss journey. I plan to write future posts on my progress and keep everyone updated on my Instagram in a more public way. Here’s to progress and loving myself!